The Spandex Restricted List

Yes…I believe there is one. I also think you all know whether you are on it or not. I know I am. I believe most Americans are on it. I also believe most Americans do not own or utilize mirrors appropriately. If they did, they would be much more aware of whether they are or should be on the spandex restricted list. I am convinced that most Americans do not look at their butts in the mirror before leaving their homes in the morning, giving rise to an aesthetic crisis of some magnitude at a time of day when a person is insufficiently fortified with caffeine to withstand it. In larger urban areas the number of young lithe (probably anorexic) folk seems greater and therefore the list might be a bit shorter in these areas. Everywhere else, and particularly at family resort destinations (one of which I live quite near), the list is enormous and almost all encompassing. There are some simple possible rules of thumb. If you don’t own a bicycle, don’t wear spandex. If you are not at 20% bmi or less, don’t wear spandex. Unless you are going to work out at the gym and you are already in great muscular shape, don’t wear spandex. Spandex is not a fashion statement of any reasonable sort. If I work out, I wear comfortable, cotton, clothing that breathes. Spandex is tight and shiny and calls attention to all the wrong things. Worst of all, spandex forces all the extra out the top and bottom. If you have extra, don’t wear spandex; and check the mirror.

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